Chili -- The Wonder Food
by April

It was declared the official state food of Texas in 1977. Cowboys lived on it. Screaming hot debates on beans versus no beans have brought friends together over cold pitchers of beer for decades. The Aztecs were said to have cut up Spanish Conquistadors to put in theirs. In 1993, it brought Morgan Woodward to Arizona to be a chili cook-off judge.

“My ex-husband and I had moved to Phoenix in September 1992, and had the opportunity to attend a celebrity chili cook-off in Scottsdale in January 1993. I wanted to go because one of my other favorite actors was there, but we ran into Morgan pretty late in the evening. He was very easy for me to approach. We spoke with him for a few minutes, and I found him to be very nice and sweet. Finally, I had my picture taken with him before parting. It was a very enjoyable day all around, and I was very pleased that I got to meet Morgan, one of my all-time favorite Western actors.”

While searching for more information about the ’93 cook off, I ran across a very funny article called Chili Judge. Towards the end of the tasting, the writer tells of one blistering hot concoction and screams in agony for the X-Files team to be called. Instantly I pictured in my mind Old Harry Cokely shuffling up with his oxygen tank holding a white plastic picnic knife in one hand, while lighting up a half a pack of cigarettes in the other. Slowly raising the knife, a low gravely voice asks ‘How’s the chili, little sister?’ As I offer Harry up a steaming bowl of Purifying Hellfire for him to taste, there’s a blinding flash and a mushroom cloud.

I think it’s safe to say that in order to be a successful chili judge you need to possess an iron constitution. The ability to taste a dozen or more different chilies and still be able to have enough taste buds and eye sight left to make a rational discretion for a winner, is altogether a completely separate talent. Having been to only one chili cook-off in my life, when the time came for the rest of us to get samples of chili it was announced they’d run out. A riot nearly ensued. Last year, I almost filled out an application to be a contestant in a local cook-off but didn’t have the time. I regret not entering, but usually the old hands of cook-offs have their recipe down to an art and never change it. Why change what’s not broken, right?

When I make chili, the one thing that remains consistent is that I will always make it different each time. I cook chili a lot; sometimes it’s pretty good, sometimes it’s great. I like to cook in general, but cooking chili makes me happy. That may sound simplistic, but given the many ways to prepare chili you almost can’t go wrong. For instance, Skyline chili from Cincinnati Ohio has the addition of cinnamon and is served over spaghetti then piled high with plenty of shredded Colby or cheddar cheese. There’s vegetarian style, chili made with poultry, seafood, even diet chili. Chili tastes better the next day so making a big pot is always a good idea. You can make it as spicy as you want or leave the heat out altogether if you have kids. If it does get too hot, try a glass of milk. The pH in milk is close to the pH in your mouth which in essence is like throwing a wet blanket over the flames.

Texas Red Chili or ‘a bowl of red’ contains no beans. Ever. Putting beans in a bowl of Texas Red can get you into trouble. It may even be against the law in the state of Texas to put beans into chili. The beauty of Texas Red lies in its basic recipe. Beef, spices, tomato sauce, and chilies. All of this is cooked to a cross between gravy and a stew. I have seen recipes made with hamburger and some with chunks of meat. Some versions don’t contain tomatoes at all. This is what makes chili such a fun food to make and eat.

The heat we feel in chili comes from the disarming effects of capsaicin. Capsaicin is what puts the tongue searing heat in chili and separates the men from the masochists depending on how hot the chili is. If you love chili, you know how a hot bowl can ease the symptoms of colds and sinus conditions, just like a bowl of hot soup only with much more kick. Capsaicin, when put into topical creams, has the ability to numb pain providing temporary relief from backaches, sprains, and arthritis. It can protect us when sprayed into the eyes of would be criminals or potential chili rioters. It can also ward off furry criminals who attack crops and fruit trees. It is being explored to treat diabetes and has been linked to the reduction of certain types of cancer.

During chili cook-offs, some cooks like to make their chili in steps. Listed below are the judge’s steps. CASI along with promoting the preparation and proud showmanship of all things devoted to chili also raises funds for charitable organizations.

CASI (Chili Appreciation Society International, Inc) Rules and Judging

(The short list)

• All chili must be cooked on site and be prepared in the open.

• All chili must be cooked from scratch, which means starting with raw meat. Commercial chili powder is permitted, but commercial mixes are not. Marinating meat is not allowed. Health requirements forbid home-butchered meat.

• No fillers, such as beans, macaroni, rice, or hominy are permitted.

• Each cook is responsible for cooking one pot of chili and turning in just one judging cup from that pot.

• Cooks must prepare and cook chili in a sanitary manner and cook it under the cover of a tent or umbrella. The clean-up procedure requires three containers: one with soap and water, one with clean rinse water, and one with a small amount of bleach.

• Aroma: chili should smell good.

• Red Color: chili should look good and the color should range from reddish to reddish brown. Shades of "gray, black, pink, or camouflage" are unappealing, as is excess grease.

• Consistency: chili should be a good balance of meat and gravy. The meat should be tender but not mush.

• Taste: chili should taste good. Judges believe that an excellent tasting chili will always stand out.

• Aftertaste: Residual taste should be pleasant. A chili pepper "after bite" is also permitted, but the degree of heat is a matter of personal preference.

• Meat should be cubed; ground meat very seldom places.

• All fresh ingredients (onions, garlic) should be run through a blender to make them smooth, since chunks tend to get low scores.

• Some judges dislike beer or other alcohol in chili.

• All cooks must be at least eighteen (18) years of age as of the cook-off date.

• Use two spoons to taste your chili to avoid putting the spoon that was in your mouth back into the chili. (You’d think this would be a given)

• Ask other cooks to critique your chili.

• Try your recipe at home and have friends and relatives critique it.

• As other experts have advised, you are cooking chili to please the judges, not to please yourself. Remember that judging varies from cook-off to cook-off, so don't change your recipe too rapidly.

• FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH CASI RULES - Any cook-off that fails to comply with CASI rules will receive a reprimand or be placed on probation or suspension.

So, the gist of the rules is chili should be prepared under strict, scientific conditions bordering on the obsessive in which friends, family, and strangers are pitted against you ripping your championship cooking aspirations to shreds. The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat. You cartwheel down the broken hill of chili dreams just like that skier guy did on the beginning of Wide World of Sports. But, since a major portion of chili is homemade by the lady of the house, she might be willing to give you a sporting chance.

Basic Domestic Chili Rules

• Never, EVER tell a woman she can’t cook.

• Don’t say your mama’s chili is better. To her face anyway.

• If confronted with the beans or no beans debate, just savor your chili and nod in agreement.

• No, she doesn’t look fat.

• Yes, she should have a second helping of chili.

• After the fabulous feast, help her clean up the kitchen. Soap and water, clean rinse water, small amount of bleach.

• Yes, she should have that heaping bowl of chocolate ice cream for dessert. She told you milk calms the effects of capsaicin. Don’t you remember? You never listen.

• You also said she wasn’t fat…

• Immediately say you’re sorry. Walk to the garage and stare at your tools for half an hour.

Ah, there’s nothing quite like steaming, blissful home cooked bowl of you-can’t-win. Wet blanket anyone?

What happened to chili making me happy? It does! Capsaicin can help ease your pain and cooking chili can help ease the pain of loneliness. Anything that can spark conversation, get couples cooking together, and have countless contests held in its honor really is nothing short of a miracle. You could go as far to say chili when cooked, eaten, and chatted over with friends and loved ones can make you forget life’s problems for a little while. That’s hardly agony or defeat. I suppose, it’s sort of like calling a truce…

Please, come in from the garage.